Today was awful, last night was awful. Right now I feel so unmotivated and dull, like something washed out I have practically zero inspiration. I hate that, truely I do.
So last night I got in and my mum said she'd phoned the collage and the digital photography course was running and I could go to the first session free as I was unsure. Okay, sounds good right. Well it was a basics course, so you know I go along all happy with my compact camera, which is a good one, I like to think but obviously not the best. I made an effort before I went, even used sparkly eyeshadow, ha-humph (noise in my head as I'm retelling this) and yeah looked nice. Got there, ended up walking to the classroom with the tutor, didn't at that point mention when he said "What camera you got?" that I should just go home.
Outside the classroom see people, there's 7 people there, and they all have chunky bags, so already warning bells starting to ready. In the classroom everyone gets their cameras out. Fuck I'm the only one without an slr, so I feel alienated, more so that there's a girl who is younger than me on her second camera and its a slr, and her dad who is there is a middle class prick and she isn't even into, into it. Like, it's a thing more for show than use. And I have my now to me shitty compact, hell today I tried to take a photo and I was felt so deflated well and truely: this is my camera and it's this thing. I can't even do manual.
The tutor goes on about all this stuff that only applies to slr or manual cameras but only really slr so you know the "basic digital photography" course I thought I'd come to was a "only if you have an slr can you really do anything." Plus there was homework which I can't do, hearty-ha-ha. Unsure whether I'll continue, doubt it the course is £55 and I don't see where my money is being spent if I can't apply anything. I was so ughed through it all thinking just because I can't affored an slr nor can my parents I can't learn anything. I wouldn't ask my parents for one, they are really expensive like £300 or so and it's not fair on them, there's 4 of us kids, and ya-know...
Plus the tutor who strikes me as personally artistically impaired said it's a snap if you don't fiddle with settings or it's not in manual, hah and it's only a photograph if it is. So where is the art???????? Photography is an art form, and what makes a photograph is thought, composistion and ideas, as well as lighting not settings!!
So yeah massive dissapointment, nice to know my place I guess with the have-nots because I don't have an slr, gits. Fuck them, they mislabeled a course.
After ended uo in Tesco and I got a penguin toy, who is now my mascot in all matters for 24p, ka-ching, and two new scarves mum bought me one, I love her. Then she had to buy cigarettes for my dad, even though she had just give up that day. Silly man.
Then today was awful, was already blue admittedly. But hey it happens then in general studies, a lesson on society but kinda pointless this teacher was going on about technology and in one bit he went "who has laptops?", then "who doesn't?" I don't, so raised my hand slightly and he said, well laughed as he did "I almost said are you too poor to have one," I don't care if it related slightly-barely to anything, if it was a joke. It made me feel shit, he knows knothing of my life, like my dad is sick, it's on and off to the point for most of a year he couldn't work, he's self-employed too, so yeah effects your life. I'm not well-off, I'm not middle class, I'm working class. But the fact he said that at all just pisses me off, annoyed my mum and dad too, considering I ended up crying after telling them too, it's embarassing that hey I'm not rich and all that. But to have it practically shoved in your face and laughed at as if for a cheap joke, wow that's my life you're laughing at. My mum is more than likely going to make a complaint, it's insensitive to anyone really and he didn't know my background or anything.
It really got to me, so I don't have an slr camera, I don't have a laptop, so what do I have? Compared to other people not a lot, hell my phone is broken and I'm using an old one. But I don't want a laptop, and an slr camera is something I will buy for myself, except I can't as I need to save my ema for uni, as well as any money I get so that's out the window maybe. I don't know. Not sure about the course but =P.
Rant finished.
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